A 'Short' story...


Apparently we should be celebrating the fact that South Korean Yong Eun Yang has become the first Asian to win the USPGA Championship. This should be considered good for the sport as it further endorses golf as a truly global sport encompassing people from all cultures, religions and communities. The thing is, I don’t see it this way. Have you noticed the amount of Koreans (Particularly women) whose names continually appear near the top of leaderboards recently? We are in danger of these people becoming a majority within the next ten years, and that worries me. Is this racism? No. I had no qualms with Nick Price winning the USPGA (Twice) despite the fact that he is Zimbabwean. Maybe it is Colour Predjudice? Absolutely not. I didn’t kick up a fuss when Vijay Singh won it (Arrogant sod that he is), nor am I the least bit miffed at Tiger’s dominance in the sport. It’s not even the worry that if a Korean wins the Masters, he will opt that half the local dog population of Augusta will end up in the winner’s celebration dinner (Though that would be infinitely better than Tiger’s choice of burger and fries when he first won it). I’ll come clean here - it’s sizeism. Let’s face it, Yang is quite tall for a Korean at 5’ 9”. The average person’s height in Seoul falls comfortably within the length of a yardstick. If we allow these people to dominate the sport, then it is only a matter of time before junior clubs become the norm, and us taller folk will be left to sift through the bargain corner of American Golf (Or Korean Golf, as it would inevitably become) in order to find a 3-wood that wasn’t designed for someone smaller than one of Doddy’s Diddymen. The Koreans and Japs will get their own way, and as with everything they get hold of from microchips and televisions to teacups, they’ll miniaturise golf. In no time at all we will be squeezing our fat European frames into their mini buggies for a round timed by atomic clocks, then getting on our hands and knees under a ludicrously low shower head in the clubhouse, before storing our expensive XXXXL golf clothing in a locker that appears to have been designed for an Action Man figure. I have no doubt that Korea’s number one player KJ Choi is a fine bloke, with a good sense of humour, but will he be in favour of downsizing the game when the Asian revolution comes along? After all, we can hardly trust a man who rolls a new ball down his trouser leg in order that his boss beats our very own James Bond, and then attempts to slice Bond’s head off with the brim of his Bowler hat when his cheating is discovered. Or was that just someone who looks similar? I like my clubs the size they are. I don’t want the game infiltrated by people who will change everything to suit them. And where will it all end? Will we see Japanese/Korean super-efficiency creeping into the game? Maybe all greens will need to be cut a regulation 1.25mm, with tee-off times every 420 seconds. Perhaps slow players will be hauled from the fairways and publicly humiliated, and spotters placed in the rough to point out where a wayward ball has landed. It is possible pretty girls might be employed to caddy for the over 40s, floodlights installed for 24 hour golf, and a choice of beer, sushi or sake available at every tee. And Poniente would no doubt be forced to update their ailing fleet of buggies. Actually, it’s beginning to sound OK when you look at it like that. Well done Y.E Yang. You may have just started something very big (Well, I suppose everything seems big to a Korean). I’m off to get my clubs shortened, and the brim of my Bowler sharpened. I see fun times ahead.

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