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In the Christmas spirit...

I thought I’d have a look at the latest offerings and gossips in the golfing World at present, seeing as there is very little happening in the THUGS community at this time of year other than Young Oliver’s Christening, and his father’s six-monthly night out with the lads. Christmas golfing gifts that you wouldn’t dream of buying yourself will no doubt enter your possession shortly, thanks to some well meaning, but non golf-savvy old aunt who thinks you would love a cartoon golfer polyester tie. You however, will view the said item as being perfect for binding the cat’s legs together while you force its weekly worming tablet down its throat, thus avoiding the usual blood-letting associated with being on the receiving end of his claws.

Pointless golfing gifts at the moment include a device which automatically places your ball on a tee, saving you from keep bending over. Unfortunately, it doesn’t stick a fresh tee in the ground, which means you still end up risking your back every time you smash your tee out of the ground. There is, of course, the amazing pen that writes in the rain and costs only £3.99. I have something that works the same but is free at Ikea – It’s called a pencil. One of the daftest ideas is the ’potty putter’. This is a mini putting set designed for use whilst sat on the throne. Here is how they describe it; ”The Potty Putter comes complete with a putting green, made from the same professional carpet found at miniature golf courses, a cup with a flag, 2 golf balls, a putter and a “Do Not Disturb” door hanger. Potty Putter makes a great gift item for the devoted golfer and for those looking to improve their putting routine”. Improve their putting routine?? I don’t know about you, but I have a putting routine which involves taking a close look at the line of putt from behind my ball, and I certainly don’t want to get into the habit of wiping my arse before walking round and weighing my putt up.

In the news at the moment is the story of the 79 year old golfer from Phoenix who assaulted another septuagenarian after his opponent accused him of cheating by deliberate slow play which resulted in the other guy needing to go for a pee on two of the holes because of the length of the round. The 79 year old claimed one of the holes after his opponent failed to tee off in good time due to him wandering a considerable distance away from the lady golfers following in order to relieve himself. The accused denied that he was aware of his opponents acute bladder problem, and it would seem that the scuffle was more ‘standbags at 10 paces’ than anything.

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