Pointless targets...

Ok, we’re just over a fortnight from Majorca 2007 and if you’re anything like me you’ll have set yourself a target of a couple of birdies during the week, a win on one of the rounds and an improved performance on last year, putting you in the running for the Pink Jacket. Alternatively, if you’re anything like Ken you’ll be hoping to equal the impressive record of seven ‘Big One’ breakfasts in a row without crapping yourself before the second tee every day. Derek and Quent will obviously not be content with anything less than the Pink Jacket, two birdies a round and the chance to get the better of one another, while Neil will be delighted if he can just remember his way home every night. With a good week’s golf being one of the primary targets of everyone, I thought I’d trawl the net and magazines for some of the best tips. Unfortunately I don’t see how some of them could help. One senior pro suggests that we ignore a bad shot and enjoy the scenery instead. If the pretty trees and hedgerows are what constitute ‘scenery’ then that may be a problem, as that is exactly where I am usually searching for my ball, cursing the flora and praying for a resurgence of Dutch Elm Disease. Another bad idea proffered by the wise ones is to consider hypnosis to combat weaknesses in your game. For instance, if you shake like Ali at an Olympic opening ceremony when you have to drive over water, you can train your brain to see only lush fairways instead of murky H2O, which is great until you pick your bag up and march off in pursuit of your ball down that lush fairway and drown in 3 metres of duck pond. Transferring weight correctly during your swing is another good one. Without naming names it would take Pickfords to successfully transfer the weight of one or two of us. Start shifting some of that kind of bulk too readily and the momentum is likely to carry our pelvises further than the ball. As for using a fairway wood from just off the green, who are you kidding?? I’ve just spent the last seven shots trying to get close enough to the hole to use my putter – I’m gonna use it as soon as I get within 100 yards of the hole. The trouble with tips is that they are all given by scratch or low handicappers with a natural ability for golf. If anyone would like to know how to consistently hit a 4” wide tree or land six balls consecutively in a small body of water from 160 yards they should come and see me.

The next fortnight will pass far too quickly for any of us to improve our golf, and we should just accept that this is the standard we will start the Majorca week at and it will only get worse as the week’s beer and sleep deprivation take hold. It is merely a survival of the fittest. Jim Wilson has the right idea – he won last year by just turning up without any practice. His clubs had more cobwebs than an Ethiopian’s arse, but he just plodded round without a worry and managed to take home the Pink Jacket. Let’s all take a tip from Jim, and go out there and ENJOY IT!